2013 marks the start of a new era for me, at the end of last year I was asked by our mates over at überlin if I would be interested in writing about dating and all things socially awkward. My answer? Um – yes! This week I’ve revisited the Part Time Boyfriend concept in an attempt to get their readers up-to-date. Either read on below or catch it on the überlin url. Tally-ho.
Many moons ago (over a year, obviously it’s almost an eternity) I wrote about the concept of having a Part Time Boyfriend. This mostly came out of frustration for the dating “scene” in the United States and the comparative ease I felt when wanting to roll around with someone in Australia.
Having just moved to Berlin – I am finding that I want to revisit this concept and it’s proving to be equally as confusing/ finicky as the US. You see, the problem is – the Germans, they aren’t biting. I arrived into Deutschland with a mostly Part Time Boyfriend. This, however, very quickly turned into a no-time boyfriend. And 6+ months later I’m still struggling to find a semi permanent solution to singledom.
The major differences I am finding with the Berliners:
- The Deutscher dudes don’t care – Germans are more asexual than the San Francisco hipster. It’s not that I want to roll around all the time – but you would think that Germans never do. To be honest – they either masturbate a lot or don’t like rolling. I think the difficulty of this comes from the fact that the casual chit chat in a bar is a foreign concept, which obviously makes the pash and dash frightfully difficult. I am a reasonably attractive femme, I don’t seem crazy upon first encounter, and I’m kind of interesting.. YET! it’s somewhat of a laborious task to find a guy on the semi regular to get around.
- German Guys consider their options – stop thinking. Seriously. Something about Germans screams “I don’t throw caution to the wind, I want to hook up with the person I am eventually going to settle down, have babies, buy a stroller, get a sausage dog, and move to Prenzlauer Berg with.” I’m 28 – I don’t want any of these things (lies – I want the dog, I will call it Howard). To be honest, I just wanna kiss your face for an evening, and possibly repeat 2-3 times a week. So stop questioning if kissing me is a good idea – it’s only temporary. It’s not like, forever.
- You only meet guys through friends and then you are friends for like ever until something happens – fuck this. I mean, this is a really good vetting process for the more Full Time Boyfriend vibe – but I just moved here, I don’t have that many friends and I only want you Part Time. I really need for you Deutschers to step out of your comfort zone, talk to a random stranger (me) and be suitable for a few hours a week, or for an evening.
My answer to all of this is a Part-Time Boyfriend. I’m not interested in meeting you through friends, being your mate for like 2 months, finding that it’s passed that point of jumping each others bones, it become a bit like kissing your sister (if we took it there) and we are better off staying mates. I can’t get those less-than-sexy 2 months back and it’s because of all the German non-throwing caution to the wind faff. This episode is something I would call tiring. I really just want to find someone who is fun, likes to do cool shit and only wants to hang out a couple of times a week, while kissing on park benches and dark corners of bars.
The reasons I am not shooting for a boyfriend is because I really don’t want to have to answer to someone as to where I am, what I am doing, how my days was – unless I really want to, and to be (Anne) frank that level of commitment is not in my vocabulary – at all.
When I’ve spoken with people about all of this the first thing that comes up is: So – you want a fuck buddy? (Sorry mum if you are reading this). Friends, readers, people that are still unsure as to why they are reading – that is the exact opposite of what I want. A Part Time Boyfriend is not a fuck buddy – this is a crass phrase and it deserves very little attention to start with. But secondly a Part Time Boyfriend needs to cover a few bases:
- You need to at least sort of like a Part Time Boyfriend/ want to hang out with them. If you are solely going into this because you only want to roll, full stop – go to Sexpo. This is about ticking boxing – it’s about having a mate to get brunch with and it’s about rolling > at the same time. Obviously – not at the EXACT same time, but you know what I’m saying.
- With point 1 in mind, you really don’t want to have to run your entire life through this person. The reason they aren’t your Full Time Boyfriend is so that you can have a life – be a onesy, live a somewhat selfish existence, run to the beat of your own drum. With all the good benefits of a twosy.
- This brings us onto our third point – the good benefits of a twosy (these are the ones you want in a Part Time Boyfriend) is: Having a +1 for concerts. On a Sunday – having someone to get food with when every thing is on lock down in Europe and all your mates are hung over/ still at Berghain. On occasion, having someone think you’re pretty – infrequently, but often enough that you feel special
There is no real downfall to the Part Time Boyfriend – unless:
- You fall in love. Then that really ruins the part-time element of it all. There are (however) a handful of upsides to being loved up, so it’s sort of a win-win.. If it’s mutual.
- You get herpes. This is a less than an ideal result.
It is entirely possible that I’m a shallow bitch that really just wants an almost boyfriend for all the worst reasons – but doesn’t everyone..? I mean come on – no one thinks they want a mate so that they have a BFF all the time, everywhere they go – all of that develops. What we all (initially) strive for is a handsome handbag that socially validates. However – if you are in fact going into this process of looking for dudes with the wedding dress, the babies, the stroller at the forefront of your mind…