OK – so it has been noticed there are some major flaws in the American male. Now it’s not that I hate you, and it’s not that all of you are like this, it’s just that these observations (below) seem to be a recurring theme among the species. And you know – sometimes I can cope, sometimes I can even grow to love these qualities, but that is on a case by case basis. On the surface level – if we were to blanket this, the below points are just handful of things that are letting you down.
DISCLAIMER: This may span continents – but I am in America, so this is an AMERICAN observation.
Shoes | I understand I should be looking at your face or in your eyes or something equally as gushy – but your ability to pick shoes shows a great deal about you. It’s kind of that attention to detail that I want to brag about. Anyone can be good looking, charm isn’t that hard to fake > but doing good shoes is kind of the most revealing thing. It, in a roundabout way, indicates you are capable of small thoughtful acts of kindness because you can master a pair of shoes.
Bro’ing out, seriously | All that bro’mance is kind of tiring. When I manage to get along with people I call it bro’ing out – but that is not to the same extent as the American males bro’ing out. The obnoxious handshakes that you do seriously – these shouldn’t be serious. Ridiculous made up words, that I’m patronized for for not understanding – no. Listen > let’s not. You look like a tool, these things do not a roll-around make.
Bootcut jeans | For Christ sake, no. I understand some people are not made for skinny jeans – and that’s ok, I do get that not everyone is a skinny hipster. But at least wear a straight leg, neatly cut. This oversized rubbish is just nonsense- and boot cut is more than not ok. It’s deplorable.
Pick up lines | When was this ever OK? And I am not just talking the cheesy ones where you notice that I might be an angel, or your future wife; all pick up lines are OUT. If I notice them, you have failed. Smooth is being able to start a conversation with me, without me really knowing you were trying to start conversation with me. It’s an art, and considering dating is your culture > I suggest you get good at it.
Using words like
mommy mami or mamma to a girl you like | Hey. This is all kinds of fucked up/ gross. You are putting me in this birthing machine box. I get it, I’m a birthing machine – but I’m not yours. For that matter I am not anyone’s birthing machine. And until that happens – the babies and the diapers and the holier than now status I will achieve from being a human incubator, please never call me such names. You make my skin crawl.