I’ll tell you what is not OK – well thought out facial hair.


Ok – so let me start by saying – I don’t hate beards. I’m not all gross about mustaches either. But “clever” facial hair – is sort of the most repulsive thing – on this planet.

I don’t even know how/ why I have such a reaction to overly assessed locks of the face but it’s straight up feral. There are a few styles that really get at me/ probably the rest of the population. So I’m going to do you boys a solid, read on.

  • Goaties – never ok. I don’t even think I really need to get into this – they are just not ok. Why bother shaving only half your face. What are you gaining with a tuft on your chin. At 5P > I can generally tell you are man enough to use a razor. Not being able to really grow facial hair is really the only explanation for a goatie. The goatie phenom. should only really be popular among 17 year old, as it’s the only part of their face that likely grows hair. Is having a goatie at any age over 25, like when men drive big cars..? Or wear super fancy jewels..?
  • Beards that only come around your jaw line (commonly refered to as the “Chin Curtain“) – This is much like the problem that I have with the Goatie – why only shave a part of your face.. I understand wanting to have some sort of artistic license – but could you perhaps get into shoes or something. I mean – girls CARE about shoes. No one cares about clever facial hair, apart from you. And frankly – you are repulsing the gen. population by cleverly only dealing with your Chin Curtains – you literally gain nothing, apart from lost time.
  • Mustaches that cover your lips – UGHHHHH. No. like, really no. I can dig the scruffy beard look – but the scruffy beard look actually takes quite a bit of effort to look good, because it’s neatly scruffy. And when I say neatly scruffy – it means it looks like a cartoon beard – round. If you are going to commit to facial hair that is good and proper and manly – you need to get a little American metrosexual on this > and maintain the manly. When we gaze at each other and I’m all getting dreamy on your rugged hunky man appearance – I need to see your lips > because that’s where it all starts. I don’t immediately roll around with you, there is going to be a bit of kiss > and if I can’t see your lips – how do I know they exist?
  • Obnoxious side burns (AKA Mutton Chops) – You know those really big ones – like Elivis had, that’s what I’m talking about – and that’s what I really don’t want to be talking about. When you rep that, I feel like maybe you should also be wearing boot cut jeans and a pair of toe shoes. And we all know how that goes.. It doesn’t. Side burns in general are so circa 2001, and obnoxious side burns did not come back with the rest of the 90’s. I’m sorry.

Lessons from this? When in doubt – don’t.



About LUCY

Femme of sass, sometimes.