HOW TO PHUB – without regret.

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I’m not sure if Phubbing is a phenom. that is sweeping the globe – or just my life – but I get called out on it all the time, and it’s kind of annoying. Just in case this as new to you as it was to me, let me get us all on the same page – Phubbing  is when you use your phone as a way of snubbing other people. Plain and simple.

I do this – you probably do this – I think everyone with a mobile device does this. And it’s not because I’m rude (although – that’s most likely the case), it’s because you are boring. And that’s on you, not me.

As a result of being deemed a phubber – I’m going to give you a quick list for when it’s actually OK to demonstrate this behavior, and why you should judge those who judge you whilst phubbing. Following?

  1. You meet new people at a party, and they are irrational political zealots. Let me tell you something, if you are irrational with your political beliefs, and want to push it in my face unwavering – I will pretend I need to call my mother, I will pardon myself because of a “very important email”, I will openly tell you shit is blowing up on twitter and I have to get at that – I just don’t care about you enough (yet) to listen to your drivvle.
  2. You’re traveling, you didn’t switch on roaming, and you have found wifi – I can let this slide as a socially reasonable thing to do. We are children of the internet – it’s actually a disease, so if you find yourself with wifi and a device that can tune into that signal, I’m going to excuse you for your lack of manners; because honestly if I don’t see communication from the outside world every 4-8hrs, I break into cold sweats. I’ll let you have it.
  3. You are trying to find out the answer – this is sort of a vague statement, but you know those moments when someone makes a completely wild and loose statement about world issues/ facts, and you are all – “hold on, that’s not even true slash you are a liar – let me Google it.” You are good to go my friend, because your mate – is making wild accusations, that shouldn’t probably see the light of day. I honestly think that this is one of the KEY reasons we have the internet on our phones – so we can keep arseholes in line (I am one of those arseholes, cool it.)
  4. You are socially retarded – you are doing everyone a favour by getting on that phone of yours. I can drag a conversation on for hours. I can get you to talk about opinions you never knew you had – but if this is difficult for me, if it’s like pulling teeth, swallowing glass, or getting blood from a stone – pick up your God damn phone and stop pretending to be interested. It’s just annoying, you are making my gift of being able to make friends with a lamp post – something that should be so effortless – a struggle. Everyone is saved.
  5. Your phone is permanently on noisy and it won’t stop ringing – it’s distracting. Work out your issues, fix your popularity. And then put the electronics away – on silent. I would frankly prefer you to get all you shit sorted within 10mins (solid) rather than letting it drag out “politely” over an hour time frame. It’s kind of like when a smoke alarm is losing battery – I would prefer it to go off solid for 10m and die, than for it to do that weird beeping thing every 10m for eternity – until I fix it. Obviously I’m totally lazy and have a lack of care for my own personal safety.
  6. A new acquaintance gives you the breakdown of their failed relationship – after only knowing one another for less than 20m. I don’t care where you are from, or how open and honest you are –  people you have met for less than day shouldn’t ever have to deal with your mess of a life. They don’t care. You know what you are doing when you are banging on about all that he said/ she said nonsense > looking crazy. You know what I want to do more than listen to you being crazy – check my phone.

So stop judging me for being connected – you literally made me do it.


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About LUCY

Femme of sass, sometimes.