How to: Coachella

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Before you even get started – here is a quick list on how to make your Coachella experience like 95% better, as a first timer. Hey! You’re welcome.

  1. Don’t camp – not to be a total snob, but festivals and camping are not a thing – if you don’t HAVE to. If it’s Burning Man, and everyone is in the desert and that’s what’s done, sure – camp. But have a bloody good community to camp with. At Coachella – you can stay at a house close by, in virtual luxury. I’m not even kidding – get on this early, get a team of 10 people – and rent an enormous Palm Desert mansion (or do the hotel thing, but a house full of people is more of a “bonding” experience)
  2. Don’t stay in Palm Springs – I don’t care how “close” it seems, this is a terrible idea. 30m – semi drunk, possible heat stroke and having to wait in queues to leave a car park – it’s literally the last thing you will want to do. Stay in: Palm Desert, La Quinta, Indio. Those are your options. Final.
  3. Park near the FURTHEST entrance – this might seems daft, but you are better off walking longer to your car than trying to exit a car park that gets held up in traffic. Be the traffic.
  4. Write set times down, on a piece of paper – You have an iPhone? Yeah – me too. Your phone will die. Go old school, write it down. Then you wont miss things because technology failed you.
  5. Time stamp your text messages – this seems dumb, but when you are in the middle of the desert with 100,000 other technology freaks trying to post to instagram/ facebook/ twitter/ foursquare > your phone is a mess. time stamp your messages, and then if and when they don’t send – your mates vaguely know what’s up, or what was..
  6. Wear comfortable shoes – this is a no brainer. Don’t be a fashion hero, no one cares.
  7. Bring tissues – not because you will get the sniffles, or though maybe you will (not judging). Any time you have to factor in porta-potties – bring tissues. If porta-loo’s weren’t bad enough – not having toilet paper is like 90% worse, and on from that.
  8. Bring hand sanitizer – I am not sure why portable toilets don’t normally have this – but they don’t, and shit get weird at festivals. Hit Walmart – be responsible – organise your own health.
  9. Slip/slop/slap & water – no one wants to party pash the awfully sunburnt dehydrated person. Ever. Your tongue turns a funny color when you are dehydrated, I wouldn’t want that lolling about near my mouth, at all. So, on top of the obvious health reasons – drink water, wear sunscreen.
  10. Don’t push people – Ok, you were brought up right – you wouldn’t push someone. I get it. But then you want to get into the beer garden and there’s a line – or there are lots of people and you want to see some band on the other side of the Polo Ground. Don’t push, you’ll there. Do you understand how annoying you are? Do you understand that festivals are a clusterfuck? Do you understand you aren’t Kanye – so don’t fucking push people.
  11. Bring a jumper – it gets cold at night, stupid – but true. Bring one.
  12. Don’t try and schedule your 3 days – everything goes out the window at Coachella. Wanted to meet that mate who came all the way from New York – forget it. Wanted to watch a band with that guy you met earlier at the beer garden – it’s not going to happen. People have their own agendas – get yours, and hope that everyone falls into line.

Do all this, guaranteed Coachella bliss

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About LUCY

Femme of sass, sometimes.