ASK LUCY: the housemate & her sexy new boyfriend

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Ask Lucy !Hi Lucy,

It seems my Deutsch housemate has gone and got herself a pretty babin’ Freund.

I’m:
a) jealous
b) not into the fact that the wall that separates us has turned out to be zero-proof when it comes to all sorts of sound.

I have ear plugs, they only do a little.

Where to from here?

xx Single in Kreuzberg

Dear Single in Kreuzberg,

I don’t know that I can help you, if you wont help yourself. Hey – I get that might be a bit tough love, but are you listening to yourself? Let’s work on your a’s and your b’s – as they are both very different problems with different angles.

A. YOU ARE JEALOUS. 

You know what I hate more than loved up people that just talk about being in love – all the time. Single people who act the victim of their own existence. You are your own worst enemy. It’s like when you go to bars and you think “I wanna suck face with a stranger.” – but everything ends up being a could’a should’a would’a as to why nothing happened:

  • I would have but I hadn’t seen so-and-so in a while, so…
  • I should have said hi (but didn’t).
  • I could have been with X but I just wasn’t vibing it.

If you had just sucked face with the stranger, taken a leap of faith, it would open up that avenue to weekends spent locked in the embrace of many a stranger, it’s just science.

And THEN from that embrace of many a stranger – you will find a Freund to temporarily on the regular call your own, that is just mathematics and the powers of probability.  Does that make sense? Life is not like the movies. We aren’t in Paris, where you lock eyes with someone and it’s all fireworks – you have to try a few before you buy (keep the receipt, you will probably want to return).

So – next steps?

  1. Go out – to real bars. Not doof-doof nightclubs – everyone loves each other at those venues due to a self induced chemical imbalance. Berliner’s you need to head to Mitte, or fancy Kreuzberg. Not that there is wrong with people in the other areas – but criteria for a good Freund is employment, and enough money to support themselves…ie – Mitte or the fancy part of Kreuzberg.
  2. Don’t hold back. Regret from inaction is the worst – I mean, have a go. You will likely never see said randoms in the bar again – so what are you losing? Actually – not what are you losing. Think about what you could be gaining – a bed twice as warm. Have we talked about the fact the winter is coming.
  3. Stay positive. I know it’s kind of funny to be a debby downer – sarcasm/ snarky behavior is hilarious, for your friends. Be one of those happy light people, who seem like they could dink on the back of a bike through the rain, AND laugh it off. That carefree shit – the dudes eat that up.
  4. Make a move. We (slash you) are in Germany – if you wait for someone to kiss you, you will probably be waiting for like a year. Männer are chicken shit. I don’t know what it is – I think maybe because they like to be SURE, they want to really consider it. In my culture – a pash and dash is a good Saturday night had, and there is nothing committal nor wrong with that.

B. YOU’RE NOT INTO THE FACT THAT THE WALL THAT SEPARATES THE TWO OF YOU HAS TURNED OUT TO BE ZERO-PROOF WHEN IT COMES TO ALL SORTS OF SOUND.

This is somewhat fixable. Here’s how it goes:

  1. Wine before bed. Alcohol has been solving world insomnia (due to noise) since around the same time that Game of Thrones is set. You aren’t an alcoholic unless you start your Monday – Friday day’s with wine (Saturdays and Sundays – perfectly acceptable to morning drink.)
  2. Consume benedryl/ Nyquil/ a quarter of a sleeping tablet. Fact is the action of rolling only maximum lasts for like 15 minutes. I mean I’m sure either side of that can be sort of noisy – but really, it’s not that much time. It just feels like a long time – because it’s a bit awkward. Pop a sleeping tablet, and just get yourself into sleep.
  3. Get to bed/ sleep before their party starts. Unless you are a severely light sleeper – I am thinking with all that wine and sleeping aids you should be able to get yourself through the passion if it happens mid slumber.
  4. Yell “SHUT UP, you sex fiends” through the wall. If you housemate is German – this will be too confrontational for them to handle. They will be quiet, they will be embarrassed. And you will get some sleep.
  5. Awkwardly tell them that you are having trouble getting to sleep when they roll, and could they perhaps keep it down. Have I mentioned, Germans are terrible at confrontation? They find it completely invasive and  internally hate to disappoint. With these two paired – this will probably fix it, it just might make you uncomfortable as well.

If none of this works – you could just move out. I mean, that would also do the trick.

Love Lucy

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About LUCY

Femme of sass, sometimes.