ASK LUCY: Teach me how to social situation?


Dear Lucy,
I don’t know that I’m good socially, can you help me?

Any tips would be appreciated.



Dear Dave –

Truth be known I’m probably not very good at social. I don’t have a filter, I will likely say something super offensive, and I don’t particularly like most people. BUT – I did get sent to finishing school as a young girl, and have frequented enough parties – that I know how one SHOULD be acting in social situations. And let’s be honest, the knowing part is really all that matters.

Below is my list of how to a social situation. It’s not brain surgery – but let’s start simple:

REMEMBER: YOU AREN’T THE MOST INTERESTING PERSON IN THE ROOM –  Buh – you know when you go to parties and people just talk. Like – did you know that they did all this stuff recently, and do you know how it made them feel, and do you know what they bought, but do you know what they wish they had bought…… SNORE. Yes – you are probably interesting, and yes your stories might be better than theirs, but simply talking about your stuff is so boring. The people you are talking to are bored, you are probably bored – god knows you lived it the first time. Stop hogging all the oxygen.

ASK QUESTIONS – So – you shouldn’t just be talking about yourself, good – got it. But now what do you do? You ask questions. Don’t just stand there like a tit waiting for a conversation to happen, start one. This doesn’t mean just offering information and hoping for the best, like:

  • I like the colour blue.
  • Peru is really cool place to visit in Spring.
  • I was suspended from boarding school for running across an oval naked.

These are going nowhere. Probably your new mate likes purple, has never visited the Americas, and was one of those good kids, with little imagination. You need to be asking questions, these can start boring – but make sure you are listening to the answers, so you can continue a dialogue. Meeting people is like a game of tennis; it should go back and forth.

GET LIKE CRAIG DAVID, AND WALK AWAY – Sometimes, you can’t make conversation because people are the worst. Understand this to be a fact of life, and don’t make an example of them (by proving how much more intelligent etc. you are). When you come across idiots, just excuse yourself and find new people to chat to. You can’t negotiate a conversation with idiots, they are largely illogical, which will make rational conversations entirely not possible.

SOCIAL LUBRICATION IS KEY – HAVE A DRINK, dummy. Obviously don’t be the drunk in the corner who passes out and gets a penis drawn on their face leading into their mouth but get a wine in you ASAP. Life is exponentially better with wine, and it makes talking much easier.

APPEAR POPULAR – Don’t come with an entourage, that’s just daft. But do have a back up party. If the social situation you find yourself in is the absolute pits that swallowing shards of glass would be more enjoyable, get outta there with the excuse of another party. Yeah – you could say, this is shit – I’m outta here. But why hurt peoples feelings? It’s 2013, people double book all the time – double book yourself.

If all this fails? You’re an embarrassment. Get it together, Dave.

Love Lucy.


About LUCY

Femme of sass, sometimes.