ASK LUCY: Pretty people confuse me, talk me through it?

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Ask Lucy !Dear Lucy,
Are these people real/ are they attainable?

Thanks,

Looking in London

Hey Looking in London,

This is a two part question. Let’s start with “Are these people real?”

Short answer: No.

Long answer:
Have you actually looked at these people? Like, seriously? Have you seen anyone that looks like this, ever? I’m a reasonably good looking femme – not crazy baben, but you wouldn’t be embarassed to bring me home and intro me to your mum. I look at these femmes and I feel shit about myself. What’s that?!

I shouldn’t feel shit about myself looking at people like this. No offense to them – but it’s their JOB to look this good. It’s my job to entertain the masses and write shit in English. If my boss wrote into my job description that I had to train with someone 3 hours a day, within my 8 hour working day – I’d be all over it. But that’s actually not a real person job – that’s fake life, you hear me?

Ok – wait. I’m sorry, I keep going back to the site, have you ever seen someone that looks like this? or this? or THIS?…In real life…. Fuck-no. And-ok, even if I did – I’m not entirely sure I’d even want to become friends. I don’t trust people that skinny – they probably fart all the time. That’s what happens when you are malnourish. You fart, and have bad breath, and develop weird eating habits.

As a result of them not really existing for people like you or I, this brings us onto the second part of the question “Are these people attainable?” By default that would be a no. It’s not that you are ugly – it’s just that why would they date you? WHY? What are your USP (unique selling points)? What makes you special? I know that mums tell us that we can have anything, and that everything is possible – but babe, this is when you are 5 and the “possible” she is referring to is scaling the monkey bars without falling off, or jumping from the 3m diving board.

Are you picking up what I’m putting down? Homegirl with the epic tits, legs for days and clear silky skin – is not the same as the monkey bars.

I’d love to tell you that girls don’t often care if you aren’t mirroring their level – but that would be a lie. I’m only a fraction of the babe of these femmes and I require good shoes, neat clothes, and nice teeth at a BARE minimum. Can you even imagine their check list.

Do yourself a favor, and stop. They are not real, they are not attainable, and even if they were – they probably smell like rotting cabbage.

Love Lucy X

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About LUCY

Femme of sass, sometimes.