How do I get over a guy a dated for six years?
He dumped me claiming he doesn’t love me anymore, and clearly I still love him wholeheartedly; I want to know how to move on after this. The hardest part is he’s been my best friend since before I can remember ! He’s always my go-to guy, the one I confide in and lean on for anything and now that’s gone , and I don’t know how to deal.
He still wants to be friends you see and I do too, but I don’t know how. I’m constantly dreading how I’m going to take it when he feels like he’s ready to move on and none of my friends care. They’re the type of girls that sleep around and don’t believe in relationships, they try and help but they just say negative things towards him and I don’t like that. Though he’s broken up with me I still think he’s a good guy you know.
Please help me urgently.
– Heartbroken and best friendless.
This is the pits. Like – I know you don’t need my pity, but I really do feel for you. I think I’ve had two guys leave me completely heart broken in my 28 year existence and the only factor that ties them together is that they were my best friends. Without the whole friendship vibe, really all you are breaking is the habit of rolling, and feeling wanted more often than one drunken night each week, or so.
In normal circumstances, I would suggest finding someone new to suck face with, taking up running and finding a hobby, all of these are only good for guys you weren’t that into, but got used to. This isn’t that.
So, here’s what I’ve got…
DON’T GO ON BENDERS: Oh – dear – Lord. DON’T TAKE DRUGS. Probably don’t even go out drinking. You know how shitty a hangover feels? Hangovers and sadness are the ACTUAL worst. It’s like – so I felt shit before, now I think I’m going to pair that with a day in bed, eating shit food, in yuk clothes, with a terrible headache.
You need to be the change you want to see if your life – and that change should be “I fucking got through this shit, with grace and style.” Not “I got so drunk last night, I spewed, and then I spent the whole day in bed watching the O.C. while eating a burger and fries, and then a kabab, and then I made pasta with garlic – because it’s Sunday, and I forgot to go shopping yesterday. Fuck” Do you see the difference.. This leads us nicely into….
GET OUTSIDE: As much as I shouldn’t say this – in the initial stage of a break up you are going to want to show old-mate-ex that you fucking made it and it gets better; soon enough that will change that you want to do it for yourself and not some idiot who broke up with you rah rah rah independent woman, enter Beyoncé. But initially “appearing” good with it all for someone else is a driving factor – let it drive you.
You need to do things – you needs to see people – you need to get the fuck out the house. If you spend the days in bed, with the blinds drawn watching movies, sitting on Facebook etc. you will become depressed. I’m not an expert on managing depression** – but this is how it starts. Get up each day, shower, and go for a walk. Get a routine going, that involves the outdoors – it could be as simple as every day you go for a coffee somewhere – cool, it’s a good start.
This will spiral into other things. Sometimes it’s hard to do things when you just want to sit around and feel sorry for yourself and probably eat your feelings – don’t do this. Do get outside, work towards having a mate for every day of the week, try not to have too much solo time. Being good at being solo is wonderful – but not everyone aces this.
START MOVING FOWARD: O.K. – so this sounds stupid, but the more air you give this situation in the past tense, the more this is going to live in your present. You need to feel sad, feeling sad is probably something you are going to have to go through. And initially talking about the history of it all is O.K.; this was major – it was a life changer, people will be there for you. But fast forward a bit, do you hear yourself talking about the break up and feeling like a broken record? Yeah, it’s probably because you are. I’ve been you – so please don’t take offense, I totally get it. But you’re talking, and talking, and talking – and you know what, people will stop listening, people will start saying nasty things about old mate in the hopes it makes you feel better – THEN they will stop caring, and you are more alone than ever.
You need to vent? Write it down. You need to think about it? Take 30m every morning. You will find that boys are habits, it’s a habit to keep them in the conversation – if you concentrate on removing them, soon enough they won’t be a thought in your head. It’s like quitting smoking – you’ll wake up, you’ll think about it – 3 weeks later, you won’t have thought about ciggies til at least your shower – 3 weeks after that? You’ll make it to lunch – and then one day soon, you won’t consider smoking – unless drunk. Smoking is obviously a metaphor.
Talking about the past and what should have/ could have/ would have been – is a terrible idea. This is your now, and you probably need to step up a bit and just go for life. The incessant chatter doesn’t help you, and there is only so much comforting/ understanding a friend can give.
TAKE A BREAK: I know you want to be friends; in an ideal world – we would all be friends. But it’s really hard, and you aren’t Superman. You need to be good with your current reality and then you can maybe introduce old mate back into your life. The problem with ex-boyfriends is that you think you want to be friends with them, then you hang out with them and you feel good temporarily, like so happy, isn’t this nice, I’ve missed you so much… and then you part ways and it’s actually not like before – you can’t then pick up the phone to chat, you can’t just shoot a message because you were thinking of that person/ were bored/ “what are you doing, wanna come over?” No – that’s not where you’re at.
So just take time. If you are meant to be friends, you will be. If this is really a special person in your life – it will stick. But if it’s not – that will unfold as well – and taking time apart isn’t going to change either of these realities.
What you are going through – is an actual nightmare. But…
- It will get better.
- As a very dear friend once said to me: Lucy, there are plenty more fish in the Spree.
And you know – there are.. tonnes.
** Depression is no joke, if you are feeling sad – reach out to someone who actually knows what the fuck they are talking about… Like Beyond Blue.
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