ASK LUCY: Locating dudes….that like femmes.

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Ask Lucy !Hey Lucy,

I’m Finnish but I currently live in Berlin since one month. I consider myself a really shy girl and since I moved here I’m missing some man action.

I tried hanging out in clubs and bars without results. But everyone seems to be gay in Berlin, how do I tell the difference?

Do you have any advice how to pickup guys who are not gay?

Thx in advance,

A.

Hey A.

It’s funny that you think everyone is gay in Berlin because I don’t really meet that many, which is weird for me – because dudes that like dudes and I get along like a house on fire, so right about now – I’m feeling a bit rejected.

Regardless – I can understand your frustration with the males of Germany. IT’s not that there aren’t any here – because there are, it’s just that they are pussys. Mind you – it could just be that I am not their cup of tea.. Maybe this is all on me – but how I’m vibing this is that German dudes wait for things to happen; this actually might be a rule for a lot of Northern Europe. They aren’t instigators in these parts, they are very much waiters of things. Which as a “do’er” makes life particularly frustrating/ lopsided.

My tips for going out and spotting not gay men/ generally finding a mate are the following, but considering I don’t know where you go out, this might be shit advice:

  1. Don’t go to Berghain – place caters for dudes that like dudes. Don’t know if you knew that – but it’s a total sausage fest, and not in the way where you as a hetrosexual femme will get some action. If you are dead set on finding a male to call your own, you probably won’t find it at Berghain (for more reasons than they are gay – they really are all too fucked to care about much else but the music and deep level chemically fueled conversations) – however you’ll probably have fun there.
  2. Play the long game – You meet the bratwursts through your mates. You don’t meet them in bars, on one off occasions. So you need friends – to introduce you to friends, to introduce you to future boyfriends.
  3. Download Gaydar – this might be a bit weird, but do you have an iPhone? Get Gaydar. Then you can run the odds. If there are lots of dudes looking for dudes coming up in your vicinity, you know you are probably in the wrong bar. Life is actually a game of numbers, make mathematics your mate.
  4. Get around the chorizo/ spicy Italian sausage – rated among the top 5 hectic rollers in the world, the Spaniards/ Italians are generally a race of people who wouldn’t awkwardly shy away from bumping uglies. The nationality card is  never a bad move; it limits you, but ultimately the odds are in your favour.
  5. Don’t wear lipstick – 101 of single status. I have found in my time of pashing and dashing that dudes are scared of lipstick. You look pretty, but who wants that all over their face? Not dudes.
  6. Join a running group – Do you run? Me either. But my mates that do, who are in running clubs seem to have all these babe’n guy friends. Babe’n guys, have babe’n guy friends. It’s the circle of life. Learn how to run, and refer back to #2.
  7. Just say “hallo, wie geht’s?” –  I hear being shy but I’ve worked out – Germans won’t start a conversation with you, they are fine . They have their mates, they won’t try and make more. But they also weren’t raised by wolves, they will talk back; so just say hi. You don’t lose from this. The worst that can happen is that neither of you vibe the conversation, and you just walk away – say you need the bathroom, and probably never see that person again. No big deal.
  8. Wear a see-through blouse from time to time – These days we all dress like a bunch of arseholes. Ill fitting jeans, dad jumpers, horrible oversized shirts, trainers? I mean fuck guys, once in a while throw on a see-through blouse, don a dress, wear some earrings! It’s not hard to take some care and to be clear, I’m not saying be Susy homemaker – I’m saying dress like you genuinely care about yourself, because you should.
  9. Pay attention – Gay dudes are generally much better looking than straight dudes., this is just science. So if homeboy has really nice shoes, and pretty good style – he’s probably gay. If his hair is neat, his eyes sparkle and lips are plump – gay. If he is witty, sarcastic and generally one of the funnier people you have met in this great city.. old mate likes the wurst.

Just have a go; regret by inaction is the worst. Being hit on is the biggest form of flattery, as long as it’s not creepy. So hit on dudes – gay, straight or indifferent – you’ll make someones day. The long and the short of it is – you have to make your own life happen, unfortunately.

Love Lucy

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About LUCY

Femme of sass, sometimes.