I am a straight female and have had a gay BFF. Like, literally BFF (9 years, that’s definitely forever).
The problem is he has had a boyfriend for 3 years and now it’s getting serious in that they’re moving in together. Whenever his boyfriend is around, it’s hard to get a hold of my BFF, he calls me much less and is distracted when we do spend some time together.
I haven’t heard from him in two weeks now except for the occasional reply to an email I send him (short answers), and I’m starting to realize I’ve “lost him” to his boyfriend.
Now I feel all alone. I have friends and everything, very good friends even, but I don’t have that person who I can (as you put it) “high five all the time”.
What do I do now? Do I find myself a real boyfriend or something?
There are definitely too many F’s in this situation – and not of the kind that are keeping anyone warm at night, apart from your BFF.. I would hope. Before I get started on this – I just want to say that Paris Hilton has ruined the English language and our expectations of life with mates. BFF is a terrible acronym.
I hate the best friend ideology. If you really want to get down to it, “best” is the top of the good food chain. You can’t have multiple of these – because they are the top. I have lots of friends; how non-inclusive is it for me to talk about my best friend? Why do I need the label – let’s just all get along and be mates, equally.
And now – your BFF has a boyfriend. This is a annoying, but unfortunately this is life. Some people are just shit at managing lots of relationships at the one time. It’s disappointing, because we should be able to manage it all – but “love” has the same effects as tunnel vision, and right now you are outside the target area.
The way I see it – this is a blessing in disguise. There is something about gay BFF’s that holds femmes back. It’s like they offer all the emotional benefits of a boyfriend, without the heartbreak. But then here you are, emotionally committing to someone, living a domestic bliss scenario – without any of the OTHER benefits of being a two’some.
I don’t think the answer to this is to necessarily find a boyfriend – because that shouldn’t be THE answer. I mean – dudes are nice, I like having one around:
- 2-4 times a week.
- to fix my bike.
- mend the tap in the kitchen (it’s leaking, anyone?)
- eat dinner with.
- exchange funny emails throughout the work day.
But the thing is with losing friends – it’s all a little bit deeper than my “top five reasons I like dudes around” list, and simply sucking face with strangers isn’t going to take your mind off what’s missing.
Realities change – sometimes you need to just understand that this is now yours, and work with it. Maybe you aren’t hanging out all the time on a whim – that’s ok, start planning. Make dates – pick a day that is for you/ G-BFF, that happens like clock work. This is also going to give you time and peace of mind to be spontaneous with other people – without having to factor in “what if old mate calls, and I’m not free – and I really want to hang out”.
I sort of feel like if old mate is actually your mate – he would totally understand the feelings sad. And if he doesn’t/ can’t manage to work with you – you need to realise lot’s of things have a used by date, pack up your emotions and move onto to greener gayer pastures.
Love Lucy X
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