ASK LUCY: I’ve lost my BFF to their new BF, what happens now?


Ask Lucy !Hey Lucy,

I am a straight female and have had a gay BFF. Like, literally BFF (9 years, that’s definitely forever).

The problem is he has had a boyfriend for 3 years and now it’s getting serious in that they’re moving in together. Whenever his boyfriend is around, it’s hard to get a hold of my BFF, he calls me much less and is distracted when we do spend some time together.

I haven’t heard from him in two weeks now except for the occasional reply to an email I send him (short answers), and I’m starting to realize I’ve “lost him” to his boyfriend.

Now I feel all alone. I have friends and everything, very good friends even, but I don’t have that person who I can (as you put it) “high five all the time”.

What do I do now? Do I find myself a real boyfriend or something?


Gusband deprived.

Hey mate,

There are definitely too many F’s in this situation – and not of the kind that are keeping anyone warm at night, apart from your BFF.. I would hope. Before I get started on this – I just want to say that Paris Hilton has ruined the English language and our expectations of life with mates. BFF is a terrible acronym.

I hate the best friend ideology. If you really want to get down to it, “best” is the top of the good food chain. You can’t have multiple of these – because they are the top. I have lots of friends; how non-inclusive is it for me to talk about my best friend? Why do I need the label – let’s just all get along and be mates, equally.

And now – your BFF has a boyfriend. This is a annoying, but unfortunately this is life. Some people are just shit at managing lots of relationships at the one time. It’s disappointing, because we should be able to manage it all – but “love” has the same effects as tunnel vision, and right now you are outside the target area.

The way I see it – this is a blessing in disguise. There is something about gay BFF’s that holds femmes back. It’s like they offer all the emotional benefits of a boyfriend, without the heartbreak. But then here you are, emotionally committing to someone, living a domestic bliss scenario – without any of the OTHER benefits of being a two’some.

I don’t think the answer to this is to necessarily find a boyfriend – because that shouldn’t be THE answer. I mean – dudes are nice, I like having one around:

  1. 2-4 times a week.
  2. to fix my bike.
  3. mend the tap in the kitchen (it’s leaking, anyone?)
  4. eat dinner with.
  5. exchange funny emails throughout the work day.

But the thing is with losing friends – it’s all a little bit deeper than my “top five reasons I like dudes around” list, and simply sucking face with strangers isn’t going to take your mind off what’s missing.

Realities change – sometimes you need to just understand that this is now yours, and work with it. Maybe you aren’t hanging out all the time on a whim – that’s ok, start planning. Make dates – pick a day that is for you/ G-BFF, that happens like clock work. This is also going to give you time and peace of mind to be spontaneous with other people – without having to factor in “what if old mate calls, and I’m not free – and I really want to hang out”.

I sort of feel like if old mate is actually your mate – he would totally understand the feelings sad. And if he doesn’t/ can’t manage to work with you – you need to realise lot’s of things have a used by date, pack up your emotions and move onto to greener gayer pastures.

Love Lucy X

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About LUCY

Femme of sass, sometimes.