ASK LUCY: I’m newly single.. How does it work?

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Ask Lucy !Dear Lucy – 

I’m not-so-newly single – I feel like I was in a relationship for a really long time that I don’t know how to operate as a single person anymore. As of RIGHT NOW – I’m officially ready to jump back on the dating bandwagon, but I’m a bit nervous I don’t know how it all works.

Can that be a real question?  How do I go about finding/ securing myself someone to share a Sunday with? Sunday’s are so boring single. 

Love you, 

Abigail

Dear Abigail,

You’ve killed it with this question. I think this is something that people actually don’t know the answer to. They think that if they don’t do anything everything happens. This is not true – you need to be active, but appearing not active. Does that make sense?.. No. Let me explain.

You know when people talk about the game? You know, don’t hate the player – hate the game. Well I don’t like the game, the game is rubbish – to an extent. I don’t believe in “treat ’em mean, keep ’em keen” – dudes/ femmes who does that, fuck right off you are spoiling life for the rest of us. BUT what I do believe in is preparation. Maybe that is part of the game? It’s definitely part of my game.

When living with an open mind in the search for a Part/ Full Timer it’s important to be prepared – but not to plan. And it’s actually really easy.

If you want/ plan for a mate to spend Sunday’s with – you won’t find one. The smell of desperation is like bad BO – everyone else is aware of it, and tries to stay as far away as possible. You need to operate much like a scout – and simply BE – PREPARED.

So Abigail, I’m going to break down the rules of how to be prepared but not be prepared. Keep up.

Have a tidy bedroom – You should have a tidy room anyway, it shows a semi clean mind – and keeps life more manageable. But in the lead up to roll arounds you need a tidy room as you really don’t want to bring old mate back to a pig sty, that’s just embarrassing.

My major problem is I like to get to know people in an environment I control – ie. my place. I’m superficial on the best of days, so if I’m in the beginning stages and we’re doing the overnight thing, I don’t want to be affected early on by weird bedroom shit. If I really like old mate, I will be able to negotiate the bedroom in my mind, but if I don’t there is no point in causing angst by introducing it too early and having me freak out.

Manicure your areas – This is universal. Hommes and femmes alike should be on top of their parts. I don’t know any who likes it unruly down there – so smarten up. This doesn’t mean you have to get an XXX wax at your local wax city – just don’t resemble that of a 1960’s porn star.

Have hobbies – This feels pretty stupid, but the fact is part timers don’t want to be your only option. Take a language class, start swimming lessons, learn how to knit – FUCK, the world is your oyster. If there is any wisdom I can offer – having something to:

  1. keep your mind off the new love interest
  2. keep you away from said love interest without making yourself stay away (this would be game playing)

Being busy is THE most beneficial thing in the world. Part timers can spiral off into serious really quickly, and what’s the rush? There is no rush. There is also nothing sexy about being available every waking moment. Unless you are in love with each other and separation is unbearable, then that is not part-time and MAZEL TOV!

Wear good knickers – Wearing good knickers is as simple as buying a pair of black ones in a cut that suits you (femmes) and not holey ones (hommes). These don’t need to be fancy lacey numbers, they just don’t want to be hole laden old granny knickers or saggy grey jocks with shit stains (boys – seriously, smarten up).

You need to remember to be brutal with your under garments. It’s not like clothes – where if you keep them, maybe you will wear them again in 20 years, and be the sickest human going round in your recycled vintage. Knickers actually do not work like this.

Always have clean sheets – Single life is obviously ALL about maintenance. No one wants to sleep in your own filth, but you (probably). So if you are on the hunt for a part timer to call your own, make sure you are methodical about changing the sheets. You will be judged, you will be caught out, and it will be awkward.

A tip for the fellas? Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. have anything that resembles silk on your bed, or in a shade of black. This is revolting, not badass.

So now – go – soar – conquer. I probably missed all sorts of killer tips, but the readers keep me honest. So maybe check back for any further updates.

Love Lucy

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About LUCY

Femme of sass, sometimes.