ASK LUCY: I’m just a guy, looking for a femme.

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Dearest Lucy,
My pool of females has run out. It’s not that I’m Mr Smooth Operator and I’ve gone through all the ladies in San Francisco – I’m sure I haven’t. The problem is that I’m not seeming to find them in my regular spots, and now I’m wondering what happens next…

This part time nonsense you speak of makes a lot of good sense and I want one.

Help me.

Brad.

Hey Brad –
Good question. To be honest, San Francisco is a fucking hard city. You like the Mission, but you’ll find the babes in Nob Hill or the Marina. It’s not that the femmes in the Mission aren’t cool – they are, I was a femme of the Mission – but they are conditioned by their conditions. That being the asexual hipster male that trolls the area.

For those not localized to SF, here are my go to’s for finding femmes – in almost any area (I obviously can’t speak for everywhere, but major cities, globally – I think this is mostly relevant.)

Head to an area where people enjoy nice cocktails – Dive bars are not your go-to. Asexual hipsters hang out at dive bars, so this means that the femmes are either:

  1. There with their asexual hipsters.
  2. Not looking.
  3. Lesbians.

Politically correct San Francicco/ other people out there – I am by no means trying to be offensive, it’s just science. I love a dive bar, but I only go there to chat with friends, not the rest of the clientel. You want to head to places that have nice drinks with a social atmosphere.

Join a dating site – I’m kind of not into dating sites, however – you are American. You probably love the sport of dating, it causes me that much stress I could just about break out in hives. So – OK Cupid isn’t for me, but for those that love the thrill of dating, it is for you. Make a profile, contact femmes.

A few quick tips on your profile:

  1. Don’t have any really strong views. For example? If you are vegetarian but are indifferent to meat eaters, don’t mention it. If it’s not going to effect the other person, then keep some mystery. The other reason for this is, you will get people who are really one way or the other, and on dating sites – people can get pretty weird.
  2. Use good pictures, not mysterious facebook type ones. Online dating allows you to try, before you date-buy. So be open with what you look like. Don’t throw up pics of you in a hat and sunnies, I won’t message you – femmes are superficial like that.
  3.  Be proactive. Don’t wait for femmes to come to you. There are lots of on the internet, looking for dudes – control your own dating future. As they say (or at least I think they say…) don’t be a reaction – be the change.
  4. Don’t use cheesy pick up lines. This isn’t ok in real life, this isn’t ok on dating sites. Just be candid/ real. If the ladies don’t write back, it’s their loss – move on.

Say hi in normal places – OK so you have to do a bit of thinking with this one. When I was in Munich, semi rushing for a train, I had a guy come up and be like “Sprechen Sie Englisch? Where are you from? Are you busy?” – and I was annoyed. I’m at a train station, and you wanna chat? Pretty sure if I’m at the train station, I’m either meeting someone OR catching a train – this is a bad place to just try and talk to someone.

Try talking to femmes in shops, the supermarket, the park – and I don’t mean just zero’ing in and being “Hey mate, I’m Brad.” I mean, if you are in a super market – go pretend to be into some product she is looking at, and just ask “Hey, sorry – I’m not very good at this, what’s good?” I mean – you can think up something better than this, but people love to share knowledge and femmes love to talk – get old mate talking, about relevant things.

Facebook – So this is a new weird one for me. But it seems that one of the best ways to meet new people is through your mates profile pages. The kids today are trolling their mates profiles, finding the interesting friends of friends – and simply reaching out. “Hey, you know {insert name here} – he’s a good mate of mine. I’ve been seeing you pop up in my Newsfeed for things we both like – would be cool to get a coffee sometime.” Boom – possible new femme.

It’s not as creepy as just getting a random messages telling you are pretty – because you have a mutual friend. There is some form of connection. And the fact is – if they don’t get back, it’s the internet – it’s hardly as soul crushing as getting rejected in real time.

And if all this fails, moving to a new city will for sure widen the pool. But that is quite the effort to just access more ladies.

Love Lucy.

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About LUCY

Femme of sass, sometimes.