ASK LUCY: I’m forever the friend – and it’s annoying.


Hi Lucy

I’ve been friend carded by the last 3 girls I’ve been on dates with. How do I avoid this happening next time round?



Hey Will – can I call you Will?
Ugh – Friend-carding is shit. To be honest – femmes are shit. I know that I am one – and frankly, I have friend-carded people so I’m really having a go at myself.. But this is just a factual situation here – it’s shit.

My problem with friend carding is 2 things:

  1. Friends tell friends things… You aren’t vibing me..? Tell me. Not doing so is hardly very matey.
  2. Don’t give me a warm cold brush off to spare my feelings – that’s so condescending.. Dick.

The problem we have here though, Will – is not necessarily the femmes you are going out with, but you. Not to be a bitch – I’m sure the girls are dicks too (I’m on your side, remember this) – but I often find that victims, are victims, because they think they are victims. I mean – in the case of getting mugged – you aren’t a victim because you think you are one – you actually are a victim of a horrible crime. But in the situation of how others treat you, I often think it is a good 50/50 split.

Please don’t get up on me with really extreme situations here – we are talking friend-carding. So before you get completely wayside with my sweeping generalisations, I would like you to stop and remember what we are talking about. 

The thing is, you probably let this happen – three in a row is kind of large odds. If I think back to the times I have friend carded guys – it is ALWAYS because they are too available. It’s not that we want you to be brooding arseholes – but we want a challenge. We want a challenge, and we want to feel chased.. Yeah figure that one out.

I think that this is really a matter of good negotiation.

Example 1:

Femme suggests getting a drink/ coffee/ event. Don’t say yes. Say you can’t, say you are busy – then say, but I’m free {insert day here}. You are being not available, but available at the same time. It will make femme feel like she is chasing – but also wanted. And everyone wants to feel wanted.

Example 2 (because you can’t continue doing example 1 the entire time, she will get bored – and move on):

Be spontaneous. I don’t mean show up at her work/ home and just take her out – that’s crazy, like mental not wild!-crazy. But after a few times seeing each other – call her (calling is super important; not texting, not whatsapping, not emailing – CALLING).. So, call her – have an activity in mind that starts in about 3 hours from that call. Anything less is a rude suggestion, people have lives – who are you that you think we will drop everything? Suggest the idea – be playful, and if she says no? – shrug it off, and mention a possible catch up later that week. Click – you are off the phone.

If you just bend at any suggestion by the femme of desire, she will get bored. And if you are just always keen to do-do-do – she will somehow think there is something wrong with you, for being so keen on her. Yeah – femmes are retarded. So! As much as I hate games – for the first month, you have to play them. Not hugely – but just don’t be an open book.

It would be brilliant if you didn’t have to play the game – games are shit. But friend-carding is a game; it’s the game of “I’m too cowardly to tell you I’m not into you, so I start just being your mate.” She probably doesn’t even want to be your mate, she probably just thinks that’s the easiest way to let you down.

…I’m sorry – that’s a shit thing for me to say. But really – maybe you have invested 20hrs into this “relationship” – that’s not even a day out of your life. So – I can see how it’s annoying because wasting time IS annoying, but harden the fuck up – play a bit hard to get – and move on-to the next one.

You need to take control of your own existence, William – that’s the moral of this story.

Love Lucy

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About LUCY

Femme of sass, sometimes.