ASK LUCY: I’m an internet stalker. The freaky’ness needs to stop… now.


Dear Lucy,
My ex-boyfriend has a new girlfriend. I don’t care, I think they appear to be a bit boring/ happy together, so good for them for finding one another. The fact that my ex-boyfriend has a new girlfriend is not the problem, the problem is: I can’t help but stalk the two of them.

It’s actually sickening how fascinating I find the whole thing, and why even..? I’m not sure. Their lives appear to be photo after photo of boring. That situation where someone is trying 5% too hard to be…cool? Obviously it’s not clear what their goals are. And ultimately – I’m not even sure why this is interesting. It’s not. WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT IT?

Any advice? I need to get out of this freaky cycle.

Anon… but you can call me Esther.

Hey Esther –
LOL to all this. Really – THIS IS MY LIFE, we should probably grab a drink and talk about it. As they say “a problem shared is a problem halved.” Although in our case, perhaps it would be in fact doubled :-\ …I am also a classic stalker. I hate it, but I really can’t help it. It doesn’t matter how little of a fuck I give, I will be checking out instagrams and twitters and facebook pages – shit’s interesting, and I want to stick my sticky beak in there and get to know EVERYTHING. It’s legitimately terrifying.

The absolute pinnacle of this sort of situation, and I’m not sure if this has happened to you, is when you meet ex-boyfriends and new girlfriends together and have to pretend you have no idea who they are, isn’t life a laugh, so great to meet you – ha ! Casually awkward, or possibly not at all, it largely depends on the humans involved.

The thing is, the only way to stop stalking is to stop it. There is no good answer to this, because it’s on you. It’s a bit like smoking, there’s all these tricks and tips and wiz-bang cures, but at the end of the day you just have to stop buying the cigarettes and smoking them.

If you feel like it’s making you crazy to sit there and watch old mate’s social feed, then you should probably try and replace their instagram/ facebook/ twitter with something fun. Like – if you want to look at their digital footprint, but don’t actually do it? Pop 1€/ $1/ £1 in a jar. After two weeks, take yourself out for breakfast, buy a cool iPhone cover, give yourself more internet per month on your phone – whatever. I grew up with a rewards-based achievement/ learning system, so for me – this is really the only way it will work.

To be totally fair, and I’m sorry to do this, probably you aren’t as over this situation as you may think. Not to say you like your ex-mate and we have a crazy girl situation going on here. But there is something going on, and probably it’s better to figure out what that’s all about rather than suppress it with ca$h based rewards followed by breakfast at somewhere like Beuster… where you should go – it’s delicious.

It’s weird when people move on, and it’s OK to be weird about it – life is emotional. But you kind of have to own that before you’re able to dust yourself off and get onto lusher, more interesting-less pretentious instagram/ twitter/ facebook pastures.

Love Lucy

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About LUCY

Femme of sass, sometimes.