ASK LUCY: I’m a girl & I need some femme friends.

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Na, Hallo du süßen. Also.. Ich habe ein kleines Problem.

Here’s the thing.. I moved to Berlin about 3 months ago and have been living the life:

  1. Got hooked up with a super sweet apartment.
  2. Got a job.
  3. Found a unicorn (aka. winter boyfriend/”sex and party extraordinaire makes me weak at the knees with his acid eyes” kinda guy)
  4. Continue to find BRILLIANT Flohmarkt bargains to keep me warm during this impending winter.

But… I don’t seem to have any girlfriends. I miss girlfriends. I want to chat about girl stuff and watch a movie and eat two blocks of Milka with no judgement and have someone to call to tell about all my amazing flohmark bargains!

It’s not the same telling friends back home. They don’t get it. I want a Berlin go to girl. Or many. No, wait, I take it back. I don’t wanna be greedy! Just one. One awesome chick to share a tub-o-benandjerrys.

How do I meet cool femmes in Berlin to hang out with?

Yours sincerely,

BB

Dear BB –

I’m thinking your initials are BB – but in the current Internet climate, I think this is pretty cool for you. Do you feel good about this? I would.

Friends in Berlin are hard. Not even just femme friends – but regular friends. I can understand the want for one or 5 of the femme variety because I also need to talk about things, stupid things that dudes just don’t understand. Like what that text message actually said, even if it didn’t at all. And how I can afford to buy Timberlands, a sweater dress, leather pants and a pair of nike airs when I’m actually the poorest I’ve ever been in life. Boys don’t get these things. And some girls don’t either – but they will tolerate the nonsense – so I sympathise.

I don’t know that I know a very good answer to this one – because when I moved here and I realised I needed girl friend(s), Bron landed in Berlin and a mutual friend intro’ed us. We bonded over our love for cocktails made in jam jars (so they could be thrown in our bike basket and consumed by the canals), social media and our very desperate jobless situation. But if I’m honest – and I didn’t “find” Bron, I don’t think I would have had femme friends for quite some time.

That all said and done, I have a few headlines (as always), and they go a little something like this:

1. BE PERSISTENT, BUT NOT PUSHY – Femmes in Berlin are much like dudes. From my experience with German dudes – if you are too pushy/ forward/ up front they turn into skittish horses, bolt and then (because they are German) never come back as there is very little negotiation in this country and a decision was made, which more often than not is final. For me, this is a completely foreign concept which I have had to navigate with great difficulty.

What I have learned? Turn up, be pleasant and don’t make any further plans. There will be another party/ another dinner/ another drinks – and at these occasions you will do the exact same thing – turn up, be pleasant and not make any further plans. Often at around the 5th event where you have showed your face, people will recognise you aren’t just on tour, but here in real life/ real time and a very real friend prospect. Once someone suggests an activity, that is not a group one – that is independent/ outside of the situation you have been finding yourself in, you’ve tamed the skittish horse, congratulations.

2. JUST GO TO THINGS – We live in Berlin, there are probably 5 different events on per night. What you need to do is figure out what sort of friends you want, and hone in on the relevant events. Personally I hate start up events, because it’s like speed dating for entrepreneurs – but there are tonnes of those on in the city and friends can be made.

I would generally steer clear of overly cool events because overly cool people are the hardest to crack, and in all seriousness if they are your people – you will be put in situations with them all the time – so refer back to point 1. It’s going to happen. Actually – point 1 and 2 really tie in together. You need to find events and go to them, again, and again, and again.

3. DON’T BE A SLUTTY/ FLIRTY FEMME – From what I have observed, the slutty/ flirty vibe doesn’t a female friend make. Yes – power to the femme, go Sex and the City your life up, but we live in Germany – not New York. And as much as Berlin is this sort of melting pot of loose living, we are still in Germany – and Germany on a whole is one of the more conservative places I have lived.

Within a group of friends, being the flirty friend is fine/ fun/ accepted, but with the goal of 1-to-1 femme friends, it’s not going to work. Femmes don’t seem to trust the flirty femme, I think for the most part they actually feel a bit threatened by it all and will keep you at an arms length, always. I don’t know that I agree with this in the sense that I think it’s right – but it seems to be a truth.

4. THINK ABOUT THE LONG GAME – Nothing is fast and furious here. I mean – nothing. Everything seems to move at a glacial pace – so be prepared for that with friends as well. I think I first wrote to the PonyDanceClyde femmes in August 2012, we didn’t meet til January 2013 and now we shop at IKEA together, file our taxes and share pinterest boards with clothes we want to buy, but can’t afford.

Shit is slow. Like – painfully so. But if you proactively find parties/ events, persistently go to them, and don’t act like a ditzy-harlot everything is going to work out, and you will be busy enough that you don’t so much notice you are lacking in female friends until you have some – and then realise your life is like 1000x better than before.

If none of this is working for you – Bron and I are committed to sitting in a bar one Friday of every month to:

  1. Whore out my/ our friends for Lucy VERIFIED
  2. Meet dudes, if they don’t like my/ our friends
  3. Meet people who want to meet us.

Come along – we drink, are female and can be semi-funny. You will lose nothing – except maybe 8€ on drinks and a couple hours of your life. And I mean really, it’s a Friday… Wouldn’t you be doing some variation of this anyway?

Love Lucy

 

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About LUCY

Femme of sass, sometimes.