ASK LUCY: I have an ex-flame, that won’t flame-out.. help.

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Dear Lucy –
Keeping it simple: I’m still into ex-mates past. I can’t shake it and it’s killing my summer vibes.

All I want to do is get over the old flame (and under a new one) but the guy is making it terribly difficult. We aren’t together, we aren’t going to start hooking up again, but still there is always this weird flirty vibe – and honestly, it’s not me being crazy and wishfully making this up – other (totally unrelated) people are commenting on the theatrics.

I do & don’t want to re-ignite this one & it’s do-ing-my-head-in.

Anon.

Hi.

This is annoying. There’s nothing more annoying than this. I’m unclear why people think it’s a nice idea to keep ex-boyfriends/girlfriends warm, it’s not nice. If you call it quits, call that shit quits and move the fuck on. These couple a seconds too long hugs, unnecessary hair touching, love heart eyed moments are not ok nor fair really. Not that life should be fair, but this is emotionally manipulative and I’m not into.

The totally annoying bit of this is when you are love heart eyed for this ex-flame situation, you know it’s gone cold but then you have these “moments” that keep you that little bit warm. Fuck this right off. Not only because it sucks, but because it’s the worst type of crush. At least with new crushes, you are hopeful that it’s going to be something. With old flames that went cold….that are somehow still crushes (?), it’s a sickening butterflies in the pit of your stomach love-heart-eyed almost depression type of defeat and nobody should create the emotional bandwidth for that.

You need to call it. That’s the only good advice I have. You can sit there and be all “Oh but maybe if I’m around enough and cool about these weird flirty vibes we will saunter off into the sunset holding hands.” Maybe you will, but probably this is exactly what your classic basic bitch would do. Frankly, you will not get anything you want by being so available… Aren’t you exhausted? I’m exhausted just thinking about how available you are. The guy is not being cool. Why would you want to be with someone who is so fucking uncool?

This one is (probably) going nowhere, and the guy is an arsehat. But just say it is (going somewhere) and old mate is the absolute love of your life – you are still going to be better off keeping your distance, staying busy and genuinely moving on. It’ll either take the distance for him realise that he needs to stop this early-20’s frat boy shit and take action OR it won’t but as a result you legitimately would have moved on and over that lump.

I do understand it’s really super feeling loved/ wanted/ special – but you should reserve those nice feelings for someone who actually has big enough balls to step up, make you feel like a total babe and not be such an emotional tease. If we can’t manage that outcome? Book a trip to Sicily and buy a low cut bathing suit, you literally won’t know yourself after all the attention.

Love Lucy.

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About LUCY

Femme of sass, sometimes.