ASK LUCY: How do I make clear my rebound, isn’t a rebound?

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Dear Lucy,
I have recently come out of a failed engagement, processed and come to terms with the fact that there was nothing I could do etc..

My question to you is: should I tell the boy I am planning on dating that I  recently came through such a big change?

I don’t want him to feel like the rebound, I’ve taken precautions such as taking things slowly etc so I know that I’m ready and that he most definitely isn’t a rebound but how does the subject come up without me point blank telling him? My ex was obviously a big part of my life and I feel like I kind of have to dodge any stories that involve him just in case my new boy gets curious and I can’t answer without making him feel bad.

Any advice would be appreciated my friends are no good at this stuff !

Thank you

X

Hey there.. Tomas? I think we will call you Tomas.

Firstly – sorry this has taken me so long to respond to you. I’m sure you have worked your shit out by now, but it’s a good question and I think it deserves some airtime.

For me this isn’t tricky and to be honest, you’ve answered the question yourself in a round about way. From my stand point I don’t think you need to sit old mate down and be like, “hey boyfriend, I had a long term squeeze before you and that was a big thing – if you don’t know, now you know.” This conversation doesn’t ever need to happen (really ever), that said I don’t think you should sensor yourself because he might get upsad about it all.

You can’t just erase 1 year, 2 years, 5 years from your life because it might cause some conversations or Q&A time which you foresee to be awkward. You simply cannot carry someone through life on pillows of false information because they may be too insecure to handle it. If there is nothing more with you and your ex-mate, and you truly are ready to be with the new flame – then historical conversations about love passed shouldn’t make anyone feel like less of a person.

For me, all of my sort-of-ex-boyfriends end up being things in my life for some period of time; I will talk about them, I will meet them for coffee and 85% of the time it’s a plutonic feeling of mate’ship. If you don’t talk about chunks of your life/ the day-to-day existence you shared with people, with your new mate then you aren’t really being honest and from my end of the relationship branch your main responsibility within a relationship is to manage expectations by being honest/ clear.

As long as you are able to be cool/ honest/ clear/ non-caring about your ex, your new friend shouldn’t get upset. And frankly – if they do: drama. Really. If the response is jealous insecure vibes – you’re new mate is a drama monster. And you need to hightail out that situation.

Love Lucy

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About LUCY

Femme of sass, sometimes.