ASK BLONDTRON: My new boyfriend doesn’t shower, help-me !

Hey Blondtron, 
I’ve just started seeing a new guy, and I think he doesn’t shower everyday… 
I’ve tried to bring it up – but he doesn’t seem that concerned about his cleanliness. This is a deal breaker – filth is a deal breaker. He looks cleans, smells clean – but I KNOW he doesn’t shower everyday. 
What the fuck do I do with that – it’s gross.

Okay. Whoa. Hold the phone… Are you supposed to shower everyday? Most Sundays I just roll out of bed in one of my many giant Grateful Dead T-shirts, put on a pair of leather tights and pink lipstick, and I’m like, “Fuck yeah motherfuckers! I look awesome and I’m wearing my motherfucking pajamas!” Am I inviting the entire cast of Avengers over to toss my salad? No, I’m just gonna shove some bacon in my mouth-hole and DJ on a patio for a bunch of other people who are probably as well groomed as me.

Using regular old soap and hot water doesn’t kill skin borne bacteria, it just disturbs microcolonies of skin flora and fauna transferring them to different areas on your body and to your surrounding environment. Everyone is different, some people’s skin need a healthier layer of dead cells to protect their moisture barrier, others don’t. Obviously, showering regularly is important to personal hygiene, but that’s just it, it’s personal. If you love to shower every day and keep that butt hole sparkly, then you do that. If you think he’s filthy even though he looks and smells clean, and that’s a deal breaker for you, then that’s how it is. I once broke up with a guy because he breathed weird.

Have you taken into account his overall cleanliness? Showering is just one part of personal hygiene. Is his house clean? Does he do laundry regularly? Wash his sheets more than once a month? Does he have a gross boy bathroom like most boys do? I’ve dated lots of guys who shower all the fucking time, but they have such a nasty boy shower in a nasty boy bathroom I feel like I need to power wash them in the alley because they stepped foot in that Irish Spring cess pool of nastiness. HAVE YOU EVER SHOWERED AT A BOYS HOUSE? IT’S THE WORST. 2-IN-1 IS NOT A THING. IT DOESN’T WORK LIKE THAT!

My personal hygiene is rad and a huge leisure hobby for me. I only work like… 12 hours a week…  and I love baths and showers, so often I plan whole afternoons around a delightful bath. Here’s a Venn diagram to illustrate my personal success in this area:

ASk a Bitch!
Here’s how I see it: it all depends on what he’s doing with his time between showers. How dirty can one person get sleeping in their regularly laundered bedding, getting up, walking to work, sitting at their desk, hovering in public washrooms, wiping front to back, washing their hands regularly then heading home to watch some TV. Probably not very dirty. Unless you are eating copious amounts of shitty, toxic food and drinking in excess, your body is pretty rad at taking care of itself. What the fuck do you think people did before they had indoor plumbing? Do you think that blonde guy from Vikings would soak my panties through if he wasn’t covered in blood and dirt? NOPE.

If I were dating this dude (I’m assuming he’s fucking hot since you took the time to seek advice on the matter so, nice work) here’s how I’d break it down:

Did he bike home from work in those weird padded bike shorts and waltz in the door with a sweaty dick demanding a BJ? GROSS DUDE, SHOWER.

Did he demonstrate his breakdancing skills on the floor of the men’s washroom at Berghain? GROSS DUDE, SHOWER.

Did he fall in the Thames then act like it was no big deal? GROSS DUDE, SHOWER.

If he’s just a regular dude and seems like he’s pretty clean, then chill the fuck out. But you gotta put your mouth on it so really, it’s your call. I eat skittles out of my couch cushions, because obviously they are my skittles so it’s totally fine. I’m assuming you don’t want to make out with me, but I don’t want to go camping with you, so I think we’re even.