ASK BLONDTRON: I’m threatened by my girlfriend’s gay mate – help?

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Dear Blondtron,

I have been seeing a girl for the last 6 months – it’s great, actually – weirdly great. Later this year, she is off to a wedding as the date of one of her male friends, and I feel complicated.

To start with her mate is gay – so really, I’m not sure there is anything to worry about. But it’s giving me all sorts of emotions, which is making me uncomfortable.

Should I be worried about this? Or should I just CHILL THE FUCK OUT.

Thanks,

Grant.

Hey Grant! CHILL THE FUCK OUT.

The most unsexy thing you can do as a partner is be a jealous jerky butt. Turns out it’s also the most unsexy thing you can do to yourself. Grant, you are a babe that landed another babe with your babiness. OWN THAT SHIT. That being said I’m not trying to turd on your feelings, feelings are real and valid but they aren’t necessarily the direct result of what triggered them.

Let’s start of with the fact that things are great. You obviously have some chemistry. Then let’s get to the part where this ‘date’ is later in the year… the fact that she told you about it ahead of time can give us a lot of clues as to the the reason you’re feeling insecure.

What I’ve noticed about myself as I’ve grown through relationships is that people teach you how to treat them and vice versa. My first boyfriend was extremely paranoid and jealous and always assumed the worse (it started when he checked my browser history and found out I lied to him about having a fake myspace account for Jesus which he thought was offensive but I only used it to write nice things to people and take self portraits in tortilla chips. THIS IS IRRELEVANT.)

His jealousy over the tiniest things I had never even given thought to, like kissing people on the cheek goodbye; made me feel like I was always doing something wrong. I started to second guess my every move and over explain myself about talking to promoters or my guys friends. My nervous energy made me seem guilty, this propelled his paranoia, which propelled my nervous guilt and the cycle continued.

I’m not saying you’re like the lovely Christian Republican Navy Seal I dated when I was 20 (he was seriously lovely, just not for me.) I’m saying that once this tone is set in a relationship it takes someone putting the confidence foot down to break the cycle.

If you’re feeling insecure over the mere fact that she’s going with another male, then you need to get the fuck over your weird shit because that’s just mental. If you’re insecure because of how she presented it to you then maybe rack your brain for moments you’ve made her feel insecure about having male friends or that time you told her about your ex that cheated on you and how it ruined your life. If you project jealously, she’ll project insecurity. If she has weird shit from a past relationship and projects insecurity, you’ll start projecting the same weird jealousy.

These days I know who I am for the most part, I mean, I’m always growing and learning new things about the world and myself but I am pretty unapologetic unless I’ve been a real dung beetle and my actions have hurt others.

This is what I’ve learned:

  • If you are strong in yourself and don’t apologize for your actions because you know your actions are just, honest and true then people will receive them the same way you feel about them.
  • If you are unsure and feel untrue to yourself then people will feel the same way about them, it’s just that simple.

So how about this…. You decide that this girl is fantastic and you like spending time with her and she can do all the chicken dance-macarena-shitty chardonnay-broiled chicken-bad speech-partying with whomever she wants; GAY OR STRAIGHT.

Because you, Sir Grant, are fantastic too! And you would love to be her date but don’t need to push the matter, because you are happy all on your own! Find your inner strong confident black woman. Or just your most confident self.

And you can shout! a little bit softer now,
a little bit softer now, a little bit softer now,
a little bit softer now  (about all that bitchy insecure stuff) and then…

SHOUT! a little bit louder now,
a little bit louder now,
a little bit louder now,
a little bit louder now, (about how rad you are and how rad she is)
HAYYYY EHH EHH EHHH
HAYYYY EHH EHH EHHH
HAYYYY EHH EHH EHHH
HAYYYY EHH EHH EHHH
SHOUT NOW
JUMP UP AND SHOUT NOW
JUMP UP AND SHOUT NOW
JUMP UP AND SHOUT NOW
JUMP UP AND SHOUT NOW
JUMP UP AND SHOUT NOW
EVERYBODY SHOUT NOW
EVERYBODY SHOUT NOW
EVERYBODY SHOUT NOW
EVERYBODY SHOUT SHOUT SHOUT SHOUT SHOUT SHOUT SHOUT…music fades out.

Love Blondtron

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