ASK BLONDTRON: I’m a hit with chubby guys and I’m not vibing it.


Blondtron – 

The summer hasn’t really been a good one for love. I haven’t had one lip locking incident yet, and it’s almost August. There have been some moments which I haven’t jumped on as all the dudes that are vying for my attention are chubby… Which sounds 100% out of line by me, but I really am not attracted to chubby guys.

I’m sure they are all very nice and bottom line I’m a bitch – I’ve got that. But I’m not into it. The reason this is shit is people are making me feel like I should just try it out – because what else am I doing..? Direct quote: Stop being so picky, you should just date him, maybe he is a really nice guy… Does that sit weird with you? Sits weird with me.

Life’s fucked, help me sort it out.


Of course it sits weird with me. It’s good to be a bitch, bitches know what they want, and don’t awkwardly go along with everyone else when they don’t want to because FUCK. THAT. SHIT. Your friends are fucking assholes. I bet they try and make you eat salmon because you haven’t tried their salmon. They think you’ve probably only tried salmon cooked by a toothless roadside fish monger, and as soon as you try it oven-broiled medium rare, covered in fresh herbs and garlic, with just a drizzle of olive oil, you’ll understand that salmon is totally delicious and you and those tiny taste buds on your tongue have been DEAD WRONG all this time.

You are attracted to who you’re attracted to for a reason, and you have maybe 0.01% control over it. Who you’re attracted to is built from the moment you’re born. Every interaction you’ve had growing up has shaped it. A lot of it will have to do with your parents, the place you grew up in, and the values you shared with your family and community. But a lot of it is tiny dumb stuff, too. You think I’m gonna give some Dwayne a chance after Dwayne Edwards stole my rainbow eraser in grade 2 and lied about? Hell no. It would take a very special Dwayne to help me overcome that shit. Maybe Leonardo Dicaprio once listed rock climbing as a hobby in your Tiger Beat magazine, and that got stuck somewhere in your psyche. So now, for your whole adult life men who rock climb are slightly more attractive to you than guys who don’t.
So chubby guys aren’t your thing.

truffle shuffle

Is there anything wrong with being chubby? Fuck no. The truffle shuffle is not for you, and that’s as arbitrary as saying chinstraps aren’t your thing. (BUT WHOSE THING ARE THEY?)


A chinstrap can change (and should), and so can a bit of extra taco bell weight, but if you weren’t into it in the first place you’re not going to suddenly have an Ahah! moment when you give this person a chance. In my experience it works the opposite way—have you ever been insanely attracted to someone that breaks all your cardinal longboard, cargo shorts and dad sandals rules? I have, all the time.

Everyone has an ego—you do, I do, chubby guys do, even your super right friend that is amazing at cooking salmon does. If you are aware of it and are constantly working to move through the resistance and chatter the ego brings, while respecting everyone you encounter to the best of your ability, then you’re doing your job. The only thing you can do for other people—and I mean THE ONLY THING—is this: Treat them with compassion and respect. Don’t for one second think that you have an ego when it comes to who you’re attracted to because that would be selling short not only you, but the entire epic design of nature. Every relationship, from a hot summer lip-lock to a lifelong marriage is an opportunity to be self-aware, and to grow.

My first boyfriend, Brian, is a Christian, Republican, Navy SEAL. I am from a very hippy, Liberal, Canadian family, yet I have never felt a love like that—the kind of shit that moves mountains and affected me to my very core. When I was living with him in San Diego, I had to do some super deep digging. We didn’t see eye to eye on almost everything political and religious, so when we argued I had to form words from thoughts about who I am or who I believed myself to be. I realized in these arguments that a lot of what I thought I believed, I didn’t—I had just been subjected to these ideals my whole life.

Arguments are amazing and I wish more people would have them. An argument is a statement of a strong belief. If you have a strong belief, it means that you care enough about something that you’ve meditated on it. And if you’re meditating on all of life’s mysteries, you are using your beautiful brain and spirit and that is NEVER a bad thing. Brian helped mold me and I, him. Now, whatever that attraction was between us was beyond me thinking he was cute, because at the time Bush was president, so let that sink in for a second. Our attraction was integral to who we were, and had a profound impact on who we became. One of the most difficult parts of that relationship was dealing with what my friends thought and how other people perceived him and how that reflected onto me.

It’s worth examining the idea that maybe you’re concerned about how people will see you with a chubby guy but if someone just isn’t doing it for you, chances are there is nothing you can change about that. Attraction is not based on the public’s idea of perceived beauty, it’s completely in the eye of the beer-holder. SO, CHEERS MATE!

As for your lack of kiss kiss bang bang, I HAVE BEEN THERE. Oh shit girl, I’ve been there many times.

‘Hi I’m Samantha, I have leprosy, chronic diarrhea, frog hands and every season of Two and a Half men on DVD, wanna grab a drink sometime?’

If you start to notice it, and your friend (who I can’t stand by the way) starts spouting ignorant shit, you begin to psych yourself out, and then it gets bad. So bad that you seek advice from a washed up DJ on the internet. Ooooof.

What has worked for me is a change of scenery. Sexual energy is our life force. If your Yoni isn’t getting the proper charge from your current surroundings, take it on a vacation! Try something completely new, scare yourself, make yourself vulnerable. I know it’s cheesy, and it’s been said before, but I’ll say it again because it’s true: Life (and all the best tongue kissing) begins outside of your comfort zone.

Love Blondtron.


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About LUCY

Femme of sass, sometimes.