ASK BLONDTRON: CHEATERS, RELATIONSHIPS & CANOES

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Dear Blondtron,

I’ve found out my boyfriend of a year has been cheating on me. At this point it seems to be only with the one female, which I’m not really sure is a good or a bad thing when trying to look at the situation with rose coloured glasses.

I am yet to confront him as I’m not too sure how to best go about this. I really thought this guy was the one, so it’s got me in all sorts of mind sets.

What do I do?

Lauren

Dag yo that sucks.

I don’t know the guy, but I’m not going to just assume he’s an asshole because he’s cheating on you. Most human transgressions stem from a desire to feel whole, and we look to food/lust/substances/etc to puddy the tac holes the unrequited love our Leonardo Dicaprio poster left in the drywall of our hearts (WHOA). I think a huge problem is that most of us confuse happiness with contentment and we think we are supposed to be “happy” all the time. This leads to the ‘feels good now, just go with it’ situation which is not sustainable and in the long run will leave you anything but smiling. Happiness is the inverse of sadness, the peaks and valleys of our experience, and contentment is the balance we strive to reach along the journey.

Contentment sounds boring, like an old lady knitting and looking at pictures of her kids on the fireplace mantle, but that lady has it fucking dialed. How would you even know what it felt like to be happy if you had never been sad? You wouldn’t. We think we deserve happiness, and we do, but we deserve it as much as we deserve sadness. Neither of them are permanent, they come and go, so more important than seeking the constant happy highs is the willingness to learn from all experiences and the ability to enjoy the process of growth. If you can deal with the bad stuff and face your fears, and celebrate the good stuff when it comes, that’s contentment and contentment is the fucking shit. Problem is, most of us are selfish donkeys that don’t understand this concept, avoiding ‘the feels’ at all cost which ultimately ends up with WAY MORE FEELS.

 There are a million and one reasons your man is cheating; maybe things are really great with you because you accept him with all his little faults and love him, and he doesn’t think he deserves that love. If he doesn’t accept and love himself, you’re a walking reminder of how much he doesn’t want to deal with his own shit. Maybe he doesn’t know what he wants so he’s trying to live out his different sides with different partners to see what feels right. Maybe he’s just a shitty narcissist that likes to get his dick wet.

 There are a million and one reasons you are with a cheater, too. Maybe you define your identity by having a partner – any partner. Maybe you don’t want to look at your own crap so you attach yourself to fucked up people who you try to fix. Maybe, deep down, you think you deserve this because you don’t love yourself. I can’t tell you exactly how to deal with this situation because I don’t know either of you, but I will share my weird metaphorical life canoe advice that helps give me perspective and keep me in check….

 Imagine yourself standing on a river bank, the rest of your life from this moment on is that river, and this river connects to all sorts of other waterways, lakes, oceans, everywhere. How you live your life is determined by the way you choose to navigate the water ahead. I’ll tell you right now, your best option is a canoe. You can fit just enough stuff to get around and explore and survive in a canoe. You may be scared and want to hop in someone else’s canoe, or you might be afraid of being alone, so you take someone else and all their crap in your canoe. What the fuck do you know about canoes, Blondtron? Before you tell me to eat my gortex panties, hear me out.

 A super rad relationship happens when two people with well-equipped canoes go on a trip together. Your canoe has it’s strengths and assets, and their canoe has it’s strengths and assets. You can take off together knowing each of you is okay and ready for adventure. If your canoe hits a rock, you can hop in his canoe, get to safety and fix yours. If his canoe runs out of protein bars you can throw him a PB&J and blow him a kiss. Canoes can hold more than one person but isn’t it nice to have your own canoe and paddle alongside a companion? You’re still together and 100% less likely to drown if one of you gets stuck up shit creek without a paddle.

SS-Dingus2

 If your canoeing partner decides to run off with some sassy little sea kayak, guess what? You still have your own canoe! If things are going great, then you pull into a nice little beach and he gets out and he’s wearing those weird fucking toe shoes you can just paddle your ass away, because you have your own canoe! If he goes chasing waterfalls instead of sticking to the rivers and the lakes like you’re used to, YOU HAVE YOUR OWN CANOE!

Then, maybe another paddler will come along, or you’ll happen upon this guy in a majestic lake…(skip to 1:19)

and isn’t that way better?!

 Lauren, it’s time to pack up your canoe, paint a fucking eagle on the side and fill that hull with a bunch of chocolate and cheese and carbs. Tell your dude that if he wants to come on an adventure with you he’s gonna have to patch up his canoe and man the fuck up, if he can’t do that, guess what? IT DOESN’T MATTER BECAUSE YOU HAVE THE WHOLE WORLD TO EXPLORE IN YOUR AWESOME FUCKING EAGLE CANOE FULL OF CHEESE!

SEE YOU ON THE WATER LADY FRIEND!

*sassy wink and a paddle splash*

 Blondtron out.

 

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